AIR SUPPLY - All out of love

I'm lying alone with my head on the phone
Thinking of you till it hurts
I know you hurt too but what else can we do
Tormented and torn apart
I wish I could carry your smile and my heart
For times when my life feels so low
It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring
When today doesn't really know, doesn't really know


I 'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I 'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong


I want you to come back and carry me home
Away from this long lonely nights
I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too
Does the feeling seem oh so right
And what would you say if I called on you now
And said that I can't hold on
There's no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone

I 'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I 'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong

Oh, what are you thinking of?
What are you thinking of?
Oh, what are you thinking of?
What are you thinking of?

I 'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I 'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong

I 'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I 'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong

I 'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I 'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong

Was it a mistake to trust u?

"But what if it turns out the wrong way? What if he gets angry?"

"Don't worry, girl...kuch nahi hoga...i'll do something..just wait for 10 minutes."

Kuch nahi hoga...3 mere words...but when heard from a friend...they are the most assuring words. Your heart beat falls down. And you smile. He is my friend after all. He won't let anything happen to me. He'll make sure i'm not interpreted wrong.

So I'm placed next to the wall. An apple on top of my head.

"Just close your eyes. Am I not your friend?"

Ahhh....yes you are :)

So i close my eyes. I know nothing will happen. After all, I have given my trust to you.

1min.

2mins.

Why is it taking time?...Ohhh....he must be taking a proper aim...

:)

I hear something. Something tearing apart the wind.

:)

Here it comes. It'll penetrate the apple. Does the apple have a worm inside? Just like the ones shown in cartoons?

Naaaah.....soup...kabhi toh sensible baatein socha kar....

Something hits me. Whats this?...Maybe the apple broke down...

But what is this?...I feel i'm hurt?...

I open my eyes....to see the blood seeping thru my shirt. I hold my chest. This is a joke right?..I'm dreaming...I start to call you out...but i feel dizzy...at a loss of energy...

I'm goin down...

The arrow...it...it passed through my chest...am i dying?

"wouldn't u save me?...u said kuch nahi hoga....."

I look at you...am i hallucinating?...are you actually smiling?...the same smile which i thought defines you...are you mocking me?...that i was hoodwinked so easily?...or are there tears in your eyes?

And i die...with a single question in my mind..."weren't you my frnd?..why did this happen?"

Fractals

hmmm...i always thought fractals are something way beyond that crappy books - all those Hearn & Baker, Foley, Shaum Series... its something in your mind too...how you read them... when you see them...am sure even the most ghissu of all people don't see mathematical formulas dancing in front of their eyes...its their ideas...performing a ritual in front of them...hovering over them...and persuading them...asking them to believe the interpretation that has been created...

so here are a few fractals..these are ones which generate different thoughts in my mind when i look at them...different moods...different thoughts...different perceptions..

PS - thanks to enthu for refreshing my brain's DRAM, and retrieving the data about fractals...sahi SQL query daali boss!!...

Reading the Coldplay Code

(from an article online)

Chris Martin, lead singer of Coldplay, is a self-proclaimed intellectual nerd. The cover of the band's latest album X&Y may be all the proof we need that he's right.

Shortly after release of the album, a number of the band's fans wondered if there was any particular significance to the arrangement of colored blocks on its cover. It turns out that there is and the blocks are arranged in a code developed in 1874. The code uses visual representations of 1's and 0's in a 5 digit sequence corresponding with particular letters of the alphabet and typographic symbols. It is considered by many to be the first truly digital form of communication and was a primary language used for telegraphy until it was replaced by Morse Code in the 20th Century.

The code was developed by Emile Baudot in 1874 to be used by telegraphers transmitting messages across wires.

To create the code on the cover of the album the colored blocks are arranged in columns. In the lefthand column the black and grey colors are one block, the blank space below it is one block, and the red/orange, orange/green and green/blue combinations below are each one block. A colored block represents a 1 in the binary code and a blank block is a 0. Reading down, the code in the first column is 10111 which represents the letter 'X.' The far right colum reads 10101, the code for the letter 'Y.' The colums in the middle represent the & portion of the album title.

In case you wonder what all the colors mean, it turns out they have no particular meaning and are only included for aesthetic reasons.

Interesting. . .

The main library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

"Do you ever get this feeling that no one understands you. The real you, the you that hides deep inside you, that you, you yourself dread? I feel like that. Normally in a day to day life it doesn't show. Its only when I'm depressed, low and lonely that my alinenationcatches up with me."

All this time the Guard was looking at her,
first through a telescope,
then through a microscope,
and then through an opera-glass.
At last he said, "You're travelling the wrong way",
and shut up the window. . .

"For this must ever be
A secret
Kept from all the rest
Between yourself and me."

" In spring, when the woods are getting green,
I'll try and tell you what i mean:
In summer, when the days are long,
Perhaps you'll understand the song."

ohh its back again...why do i feel this way?...over and over again?...and my mind...its all messed up...too much of chaos...things are so haphazard...i cant make out anythin...what belongs where...and why?
and the biggest question of all...why do i belong here?...do i really belong here?..i just want to be left alone...
i just wanna leave everything...but i dont want to move ahead...
i dont know anything...
i guess this is what i am...a question mark...

Forgot this 1...

this is actually the TV...VH1...was just idling around....n whoa!....i clicked a good one...

some pics i clickd..

The harder you hold onto things...the more they tend to move away from u...and even if they dont...after a time you tend to get away from them...

its like...repulsion WILL dominate...one day or the other....n then back to square one....trying to hold onto them...

but somehow, this times...its different.

my mind.

my thoughts.

i dont want to go back...and in any case...go back to what? to the stupid meetings and then the usual back bitching?

no.

not this time.

for this time it is different.

this time i want things to go away...or rather, i want to recede.

repulsion.

let it be.

Lost...

You scored as Sawyer.

On the outside you look like a rude, ignorant person, but you are really just misunderstood.Just remember two wrongs don't make a right.Revenge accomplishes nothing!

Sawyer 67%
Sayid 50%
Jack 50%
Sun 50%
Kate 50%
Michael 50%
Hurley 33%
Locke 17%
Claire 17%
Charlie 17%

What LOST Character Are You Most Like?
created with QuizFarm.com

why???
this question keeps killing...why cant there be a single peaceful day??
why am i here?

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cuz I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cuz sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

i am a fool...expectations kill again!!

The Day After Today !

if all goes well..then after 30 minutes from this time tomorrow, the scores would be in my hand...or at least in my ears from where the nervous system would transmit the information to the brain...and who knows how my reflexes would react!

i have this strange tendency of procrastinating work...now i dont know where to start revising stuff (yes, for a change...i have reached this stage of "revision" in my life...somewhat never done that from the past 3 years...engg after all...!)

so right now am left with:
- flicking pages...barrons..all the 3500 words...
- and blah blah...i know there would be loads left...

i hope i hope everything goes well tomorrow...i wish i wish...
:)

The current picture

Too much of chaos...things messed up...and I find myself standing in the middle of the room...trying to figure out where to begin...from where do i start putting back the fragments?..into the main picture again..so that i can see...and realise what is happening..
people on this planet (let us confine that to this city at the moment) have an incorrigible disease...they show a lot of interest in others' lives...such profound interst...had they been showing that in their lives...this nation...would have been at par with any other developed nation of the world..!

the rest on my personal blog...shouldnt be mentioning names here in public...!

Ahhh.... 2 more days!

dont actually know if this "ahhh" is an expression of relief or jitters...!
a higher probability is of the fact that it is a mixture of the two...both emotions entwined so thoroughly, its next to impossible to discern...
i dont even know how the preparation is... i mean...the score is sooooo fluctuating...one cant really conclude..n to speak the truth..others are more confident of my preparation than i myself am...!
lets see what happens....how things take a turn...hope they do for the better (score) !!
:

i am what i am...

“Why am I not in bed, like everyone else, dead to the world?
Why do I do this, live with the constant pain, the suffering, the sacrifice?
Why?
Because I can.
Because pain tells me I’m awake. Reminds me I’m alive.
Who am I?
I am the wrecker of steel. I am the crusher of mediocrity. I am the face of destiny. I am Animal...”

The Indian Search for EXTRAterrestrials

An unpardonable character of aliens is that they are spotted usually in white nations. It could be a prejudice influenced by an intergalactic understanding of the balance of power on this blue speck that floats somewhere in the outer reaches of a whirlpool galaxy that God is flushing right now, at the time of writing. After all, a simple interception of the most profitable films on Earth will suggest that no alien invasion is complete until the mayor of New York holds a press conference. Or more probably, alien sightings are the hallucinations of people with social security numbers who crave for fantastic mysteries because food comes easily to them. Whatever be the truth, ‘We are not alone’ is essentially a western anthem. But increasingly, Indians are joining this poignant quest that will one day change our philosophies, religions and the Miss Universe contest. Among these countrymen are respected scientists. But there are also endearing characters who are trying to prove that Ramayana’s battles, with flying machines and all that, were actually misunderstood records of alien contact. “And Ravana was an aeronautical engineer who learnt the technology from aliens,” according to a former professor of Indian Institute of Science.


The Balloon Over Hyderabad

There is a discomforting flaw in man’s many searches for life elsewhere. A space rover somewhere in Mars is searching for water. Telescopes on Earth are trying to spot long organic molecules in distant galaxies. Or they are waiting for a radio signal to arrive. Why does mankind presume that technology is a universal aspiration? Why must life elsewhere be organic? And dependent on water? There are Tamilians who can live without water. Some aliens, in all certainty, may not need it all. It is clear that man is not searching for aliens. Man is searching for man. It’s poignant. But what if, in the first place, all of humanity is extraterrestrial?
Jayant Narlikar, a much admired astrophysicist, was at the helm of a team that launched two balloons from a Hyderabad launch facility, to an altitude of about 42 km. The idea was to see if there are microbes at that height. The balloon’s altitude has a significance. Volcanic ash and factory pollutants that may carry microbes up into the atmosphere do not rise beyond 25 km. So the presence of microbes at the height of 42 km will suggest that they were not going up, they were coming down. From space. This is at the heart of what is called the Cosmic Ancestry Theory that says eternal spores carrying genetic material travel through the vastness of space for millions of years riding on orphaned comets. They are dormant agents of destiny that fall on different worlds. In some propitious circumstances, like on Earth, the life encoded inside the spores emerges. In time, species evolve. If this is true, we were all birthed somewhere far away, in what we call deep space and not in the primeval oceans of Earth.

The first balloon was launched over five years ago. The second went up a year back. These were huge astronomical balloons, 170 meters long. The balloons carried sterilised samplers that captured atmospheric air. “The results of the second experiment are awaited,” Narlikar says. Samples are being studied in India right now and the conclusions are expected by the end of this year. The first experiment yielded curious results. The Cardiff Lab in England had studied one set of samples and an Indian lab another. “I was not part of the first launch but I am given to understand that the Cardiff Lab said that it saw something. The Indian lab did not,” says RK Manchanda from the Tata Institute of Fundamental Research, who was associated with the second experiment.


Red rain over Kerala

In 2001, between July and September, central Kerala experienced something very strange. There were sporadic red rains. Godfrey Louis, a physicist from Mahatma Gandhi University, has been studying the samples. His conclusions are disturbing. He has found biological cells that multiply at a temperature of 300º C, unprecedented on Earth. More curious is his claim that these cells do not have DNA. Never has a self replicating cell been discovered on Earth that does not have a DNA molecule.

“My hypothesis is that a comet, about 10-20 meters in width, weighing 50 tonnes disintegrated in the atmosphere. Remnant particles floated for days between 20 to 40 km above Earth, moving 500 meters per day in a downward travel.” And when they merged with the rain clouds, it poured red over Kerala. The research into red rain has fetched Louis international attention. One of the most famous proponents of the Cosmic Ancestry theory, Chandra Wickramasinghe, paid him a visit. The Cardiff Lab is studying the red rain samples, easing the burden of Louis who dipping into his modest resources for the research.


The signal will come

For many years, huge radio telescopes have gaped at the sky waiting for a radio wave signal from a civilisation which will be inclined to do that. One such telescope is the Arecibo in Puerto Rico which mails observational data by post to the University of California, Berkeley. A software created by the university studies this data which are millions of shuddering computer graphs that represent radio signals. The software tries to find anomalies in the graphs, a steep rise for instance that will represent a radio signal that is not caused by a heavenly body.

The software needs considerable space to scan all the data and that is made possible by what is called a distributed computing project which invites any PC user with a net connection anywhere in the world to lend his disc space. The volunteer downloads the software and it runs on his machine, as it does on over five million computers in the world, making it the largest computation in the history of mankind, according to the Guinness World Records. Hundreds of Indians are involved in this, from a boy aged eight to scores of men in their fifties. (Girls, it seems, seldom search for intelligent life). These participants do not need any computer expertise. They merely lend their computer time for the great cause.

India too has impressive radio telescopes, like the Giant Meterwave Radio Telescopes, an array of white monsters that stand one after the other in the middle of sheer desolation, near Pune. By studying the faint signals from the sky, they piece together a bold understanding of distant bodies. “But they do not search for ET,” says Govind Swarup, sometimes known as the father of radio astronomy in India. “I have tried to infuse the excitement of SETI in India. Met people. Tried to convince them. Gave lectures to students but it seems, in our country, even young people want to do what they think is serious science.”


Indra was an alien

The incurable tendency of many Indians to believe that this is a special land, once home to great cerebral advances, has also spawned a research into alien landings here during the vedic period. Such research is usually an interpretation of mythologies. Referring to flying machines and weapons in Mahabharata and Ramayana, a Sanskrit scholar announced some years ago, “These were space vehicles similar to the flying saucers.” Even a former professor of aeronautics from the Indian Institute of Science says after promised anonymity, “A reason why we were so superior in the olden days may have been because of a technology transfer from aliens. Our gods may have originally been representations of extraterrestrial visitors.”

It is possible that aliens, not Bangladeshis but proper extraterrestrials still visit the great country. And probably sweeten the Arabian Sea.

The Pigment of our Imagination !

Why are Indians, the world’s greatest racial profilers, pretending to be shocked when others profile them? Shobhan Saxena on his personal experiences

(from TOI dated 03/09/06)


The tip of the nozzle was cold like an icicle. As the man pressed the handgun against a twittering artery on my neck, the crawling train stopped with a jerk and his face became clear in the sweep of white light slicing through the coach. His red eyes scanned the twinge on my forehead through two holes in the blue hood on his face and his black finger quivered nervously on the trigger, sending a wave of shivers down my sweat-covered body. Then he spoke in a blood-curdling baritone: “I got a gun. You got something, brother?” I slipped two $100 bills into his left hand. He looked out, slunk through the sliding doors, turned back and said, “Thank you, bro.” With his green eyes piercing my face, the police officer asked me to describe the mugger. “Black man, about 6 feet, good built and glowering eyes,” I said. “This could be almost any black man in America. C’mon mister, move on,” he snarled. Robbed by a black guy and humiliated by a white cop on a damp night in Chicago, as I dragged my feet through the snow and a frosty gale, I wondered if they are all racists. Do they hate us, the brown-skins?

On the morning of 9/11, when I was fast asleep at home in Queens, New York, the melanin in my skin suddenly became deeper. Suddenly, fellow New Yorkers began to notice the shape of my eyes and the sharpness of my nose. Suddenly, the craggy hair on my face turned into a ‘Shiite’ beard.
At the Sports Bar in Madison Square Garden, two white blokes offered to buy me a drink: “You drink jet fuel, right?” Outside the Punjab restaurant in Long Island, a bunch of yobs reminded me of my nationality: “You bloody Paki, go back to your Poon-jaab.” At Lexington Avenue, a man blocked the door as I tried to board the train: “F*** off, you f****ing Arab.” Outside a grocery store in Washington DC, a drunken lout updated me on geo-politics: “Your Taliban is finished. We smashed your Kabul today.” And, on a flight from DC to JFK, an air hostess gave me a lesson in men’s room manners when I got up to go to the loo: “Don't move. Sit tight, it’s a short flight.”

With dark clouds of racial prejudice hanging over the City, I spent a few hours with Hardeep and his friends, the lads of Punjabi-By-Nature-Boys gang who rule the streets at night. They picked me from a dark corner in Jackson Heights. With his mighty rib cage boasting of a huge tattoo of two swords in semicircle and his headphones screaming a hate song, Hardeep played with the gas pedal as his BMW flew on Bhangra beats. They rolled spliffs and smashed empty beer bottles on the road. “So, what do you think is goin’ on here, this racial profiling and all,” I shot a question and they all began to talk at the same time. We’re tough guys, we no pansies. We’re not black. We’re not white. They all pick on us. They call us smelly Indians. We take no shit from no SOBs who call us FOBs. We ain’t afraid of no White trash. We don’t give no shit to no nigga. We gonna bust all Dot Busters. We ain’t afraid of no blood. We won’t let no Latino slut dime us out. Our life is tough, but we love pain. We wanna go out with a hole in our head. We hate our parents. They don’t know nothing. We hate everyone.

So, we hate them too. We always have, actually.

Many years ago, while studying in London, I used to work at an Indian restaurant in Hounslow for a couple of hours a day to make some money.

As I would sit behind the cash register and pass on the orders to the cooks in the kitchen, an old white man in blue pants, a grey tweed jacket and a black hat would be mopping the floor. His frail hands moved from side to side in a slow rhythm as Gulati, the café owner, hurled profanities at him in Punjabi. The man, fallen off the National Health Service and social security network, worked like a dog. He wiped the huge glass windows, mopped the floor, cleaned the tables, filled water jugs, removed the trays, carried massive grocery bags and put garbage in the trashcans as Gulati paid filthy tributes to his mother, sister and daughters. At night, just before we downed the shutter, Gulati would bark at him: “Babaji, roti kha lo,” and the man would wash his hands and look at me with his moist blue eyes. One day, as I gave him a plate of mutton chops, aloo patties, chickpeas and some green salad, I asked him how he understood Gulati’s command for dinner. “He is always insulting me, but when he asks me to have food he hisses pure hate. That’s how I know,” he said, shifting his gaze back to the mutton chops.

Our Sundays were so full of hate. In the morning, I would be at the Gurdwara with my old aunt. In the evening I would be at Glassy Junction, a Punjabi bar in Southhall. At both the places, the chatter was always the same: the white man is an evil and the black man is a devil.

In Birmingham, I met a middle-aged Indian man who wanted to slit the throat of his daughter because she had a black boyfriend. In Glasgow, I saw a Pakistani girl being kicked and dragged into a car by his brothers from the house of her white boyfriend. In Manhattan, I saw a black boy being punched because he gatecrashed a Basement Bhangra party.
We may not admit it, but we practise the worst kind of racism with others as well as within our society. Apart from ridiculing the vegetarians as ghass-phoos eaters, Imran Khan, that famous, Oxfordeducated, sexy, sultan of swing, is infamously on record for referring to India as the south “where we Pathans have always gone to screw women”. And in our part of the world, the alleged twice-borns carry a seething hatred for the lower castes and born-agains.

We practice racism in a subtle manner. We know it’s not in the colour of your skin. It’s not about biology. It’s about culture. Through caste and religion, we have institutionalised and legitimised racism. That’s why we have a culture of hate wielded by an equally strong culture of silence. That’s why we leave no opportunity to abuse a black man.

And look at the black man. Even when he robs you, he calls you ‘brother’.

yipeee.... (hope it continues)

yipeeee....even when a minute news shows up...i just start jumping...even though i know i shouldn't...
scoring good on the practice tests these days...hope the mark continues...
:)

rest...nothing much...just the same...slightly better though i would say...masks being revealed again...
girls....gosh!!>..i hate them...even more now...

Phew... !

a few days from now....not even 7...will have the GRE total in my hands...even the thought makes me shiver...how am i going to fare?...life has become so "ghissu" these days...all i do is do verbal activities...dad scolding me...and all tht keeps going on in my brain n synonyms...we 5-6 vella people of ece 2k3 are gossiping...and what goes on in my head again?...synonyms...!!

lol...but its good...finally am focussed on something...and this around...i dont want to screw up my career...landing up in igit was enough...not again...n job....well..uske liye toh main chhoti bachi hoon naaa? :p

so...even on this post i am back to talking gre!!>..not what i wanted to write...but i guess again its good that gre is dominating all other domains of my life right now....yes...ALL other!!...ummm...well...not exactly!!

ummm....had some negative thoughts in my mind...but i guess that will have to wait for sometime...not in a too negative mood today...

just pray that i do well.. :)
back to studies then i guess...my thoughts...just wait for a few more days.... :)